After nineteen years at Westminster, Athletic Director Rusty Hudson will be stepping down at the end of this school year. Most envisioned a peaceful transfer of power to new athletic director Tim Downes, but Hudson is determined to leave his mark on the school through controversial decisions such as cutting the football team and starting varsity ultimate frisbee and curling teams.
“Westminster will not forget ole Rusty Hudson, that’s for sure,” uttered Hudson with a maniacal laugh. “
In politics, presidents who have been voted out of office are referred to as “lame ducks” in the months between their defeat and their successor’s inauguration. The knowledge of their impending departure leaves the president free to pass controversial legislation unencumbered by voters’ opinions.
“I honestly couldn’t care less what you guys think of me,” explained Hudson, “so I’m going to do whatever the heck I feel like.”
In his first controversial move, Hudson completely cut all funding for the football team, effective immediately.
“I’ve always thought that football’s violence represents the worst of our male-dominated culture, but I was too scared to speak up before,” Hudson waxed poetic. “It promotes the pernicious gender norm that men have to be aggressive and violent to succeed, and leads to lasting brain damage. From a health standpoint, Westminster is being negligent in celebrating a sport that irreparably damages developing brains.”
“Football is the heartbeat of Westminster,” said head coach Gerry Romberg. “I can’t help but feel betrayed that after all we’ve been through together- all of the episodes of “The Bachelorette” we watched, all of the cupcakes we’ve made together- Rusty thought nothing of destroying my life.”
In place of football, Hudson immediately established two new decidedly less bloodthirsty sports: ultimate frisbee and curling, both of which will practice on what was formerly known as the football field.
“I’m actually relieved Mr. Hudson cut the football team,” said junior Cage Reeder. “I’ve always wanted to manage girls curling, and now that we have the team and I have the time, I can!”
Although the ultimate frisbee and curling teams soon became among the largest sports at school, not everyone is pleased with this drastic change in the status quo.
“Curling and ultimate frisbee are socialist pastimes, and I will not stand for it!” demanded cross-country and track coach Joe Tribble. “It nauseates me that my runners will have to train near where such un-American sports are being practiced.”