College counselors to take next year off, junior class despairs [Satire]


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After tirelessly working to place the brilliant class of 2015 in some of the most prestigious universities in the nation, the Westminster college counseling department has decided to take the 2015-2016 school year off. Although all of them have agreed to continue teaching their respective classes at the school, they have made it perfectly clear they will not lift a finger to assist students in the current junior class to gain admittance to any college.

“Just forget about it,” said longtime college counselor Nancy Beane. “I can tell you for certain that I will not, I repeat, I will not do anything to help your children get into the colleges of their dreams. I am not only exhausted from years of helping some of America’s brightest children get into the schools they deserve to attend, but also working with some of the wildest stretches you have ever met.”

Fellow counselor Sarbeth Fleming feels much the same way.

“So, little Johnny thinks he’s going to get into Harvard,” said Fleming. “Well, here’s their phone number. Call them yourself.”

The counselors unanimously approved hanging a sign above the door to the college counseling office, which will be inscribed with the chilling words, “Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch’intrate.” Although they will still occupy their offices, any junior who dares to enter will soon accept the signage’s foreboding invitation and give up all hope. One junior girl broke down in tears after catching wind of the department’s decision to take a year off.

“Oh my gosh,” said the girl. “How will I ever realize my dream of attending Georgia College and State University? I might as well drop out of school now and enter the labor force. At least that would be more worthwhile than living in utter despair every day.”

After being at the school since the 1800s, college counselor Wade Boggs has decided to retire at the conclusion of this school year.

“Well, let’s just say I am lucky to be going when the going is good,” said Boggs. “Those juniors will cry enough to float the Titanic, and I have absolutely no interest in facing down the 209 law suits the school will have to deal with. Luckily, I’ll be taking a year-long cruise, so good luck reaching me with any complaints.”

Counselor Anthea Economy dashed any remaining hopes for mercy with her only comment.

“I bet some of you thought Dr. Boggs’ replacement would offer some relief in the face of our intransigence,” said Economy. “Unfortunately for you, we’ve already bought him over.”

Some of the more motivated and savvy juniors have already begun devising contingency plans for applying to and contacting their colleges of interest. Others have begun talking to recruiting sergeants in the U.S. Marine Corps. And still others have begun requesting citizenship in countries with government-funded higher education. One junior boy refuses to be disheartened by the college counseling office’s highly controversial decision to boycott the 15-16 academic year.

“If the college counseling department wants to get all funny, then so be it,” said the boy. “I’ll just find a way to get into college on my own merit.”

He doesn’t have a prayer.