Middle schooler keeps relationship for more than 3 days, hailed as hero [Satire]

Anyone who has recently ventured into the spacious corridors of the newly christened Clarkson Hall has surely heard the name of a particular sixth grade boy being chanted like the legends of yore. Jimmy Harfenburger is not just any sixth grade boy, but a hero to all who have witnessed or heard of his great exploits. Jimmy has attained the nearly impossible goal of keeping a “girlfriend” for longer than three days.

“It’s just absolutely amazing, better than Mario Kart even,” said a freckled and bespectacled classmate of Jimmy’s. “I’d trade all my Pokémon cards for the chance to have a girlfriend for three days. Jimmy is a real boss.”

Jimmy, who only a week ago was the kid no one picked to be on their touch football team, has gained acceptance in every social circle, club, and affinity group in the Middle School. According to the students who regularly analyze and report the figures, his “coolness” rating has gone from 2.5 to greater than or equal to 10, and all of the “popular” girls have suddenly begun noticing his existence.

“Uh, well like I didn’t even know like Jimmy was like in the grade, ya know, until like he asked that girl out,” said one girl. “Like, now he is so popular, and all the girls like want to him to be their bae.”

Even the big seventh graders have taken notice of Jimmy’s incredible feat, and now they plan on inviting him to all of their “parties” and Bar and Bat Mitzvahs.

“We usually don’t invite sixth grade scrubs to our parties and stuff,” said a seventh grade boy who considers himself a ‘jock’. “But Jimmy can come anytime because like he has a girlfriend. He’s a really chill brah. Dude, his swag level is out the roof like T-Pain.”

When asked what inspired him to act so boldly by asking a girl out in the first place, Jimmy responded without the slightest hint of humiliation.

“Well, I was always the guy who never got picked to be on anyone’s touch football team,” said Jimmy. “I was the guy who lived in the shadows, so one night as I lay awake in my bunk bead I thought of ways to make myself a cool kid. So, as I deeply pondered and ruminated over my situation, I realized all I had to do was break the record for time spent dating a girl, which was a whopping seven hours and twenty-one seconds at the time. I also remembered what Van Halen said on the loudspeakers at the last Westminster football game, ‘Might as well jump’, so I decided to go out on a limb and ask this random hot girl out. She said yes, and now I’m living the thug life.”

Curious to know her opinion on the matter, we located his girlfriend and asked her a few questions about her “relationship” with Jimmy.

“Well, to be honest, I hadn’t ever heard of Jimmy until he came strolling into the girls’ locker commons with a box of Publix brownies and a balloon,” said Jimmy’s lady friend. “He just looked so confident, so I didn’t want to shatter his self-esteem right there in front of everybody. Also, it wasn’t like a guy had ever asked me out before, so I decided to say yes and try this relationship thing out. He has taken me out for froyo, so I guess that’s a plus. I’ll probably break up with him over the phone this weekend though, I just can’t see this working out in the long run, — you know, like for another whole week.”