Naviance replaces Facebook, Twitter, Tinder [Satire]


Facebook and Twitter usage among private school students has declined drastically, replaced by the newest and most popular form of social media, Naviance, which has been proved statistically to be the best way for high school students to make friends.

Naviance has traditionally been used as a website for students, college counselors, and parents to document students’ GPAs, test scores, college essays, and extracurricular activities in order to apply to the best college matches for those credentials. However, Naviance has recently added the “OMG Friendzzz” setting, which emulates Tinder’s goal of helping people find their soul mates and friends. The software compares GPAs and test scores among private school students, matching students that are within 100 points in SAT scores and 3 points in GPA. Then, students can chat with their new matches and, hopefully, make a friend or two. A narrated Barbie voiceover shrieks, “You’ve found a friend!” and “Sorry, this match doesn’t want anything to do with you!” in the process.

“I strongly believe that friendship should be a reward of intelligence, not of stupid things like good character,” said Naviance Founder and President Stephen M. Smith. “That’s why I created this program. Students should not have to carry the burden of befriending people who do not compare intellectually. Plus, my app is much safer and more reliable than Tinder, as I assure you that there are no creepers in private school. Did I mention that I am a strong believer in following stereotypes?”

The program is designed for students to save time that most people spend cultivating relationships only to find out that they don’t work out in the long run.

“I was inspired by a terrible friendship experience I had in high school,” said Smith, nostalgically twirling a mane of silky smooth hair. “After nine years, four months, three hours, and thirty-nine seconds of being friends, I discovered that my best buddy’s GPA was a 1.1 and that he spent way too much time bathing his cat and collecting old toenails and scabs. Biggest waste of nine years I’ve ever had.”

Students rave about Naviance’s new addition.

“Thanks to Naviance, I can afford to spend less time developing unimportant skills like talking to people in person and creating for myself an image of good character and strong moral values,” enthused sophomore Bob the Builder, who refused to look up from his computer.  “I much prefer to sit in a dark corner with my computer and chat people who have similar GPAs and test scores. Mostly we just ask each other our favorite colors and flavors of ice cream and then get on with our lives. I feel like that’s the way that life should be. People are overrated anyway.”

Although the new app can save time and effort, it has its flaws. Smith claims that the app is much better than real life, but many students disagree.

“I have pretty low self-esteem right now,” sobbed junior Hermione Granger, clutching a tear-stained copy of How to Talk to Anyone. “Naviance has shown me that I’m not really compatible for many friendships, so that’s pretty sad for me. Most of the people I have chatted would rather eat Pop Tarts and kale while studying multivariable calculus than hang out with me. I almost want to do more poorly in school so I can have more friends. Plus, that Barbie voiceover is absolutely horrifying.”

Shockingly, college counselors are not fully supportive of Smith’s decision to tailor Naviance’s purpose to a more social setting. Although the app encourages students to actually try in school, many college counselors fear that the new Naviance has negatively affected students.

“Have you ever wondered why I’m retiring? This is why,” fumed college counselor Wade Boggs. “Westminster’s just not the same anymore. Ever since the new Naviance thingamajig came out, I haven’t been able to make conversation with any student. I even tried to bribe them with Skittles, but they just wouldn’t look up from those blasted computers.”

Despite the fact that many find the website socially detrimental rather than effective, Smith has won a Webby for his invention.

“I’m honored to have won such a prestigious award for my website,” said Smith. “I am certain that the statistical nature of the matching and the limiting options for making friends online is fitting perfectly into a modern world that is trying to encourage diversity and openness. How couldn’t it?”