School to close new library, open campus Starbucks [Satire]


Just after the opening of the newly renovated Carlyle Fraser Library, President Keith Evans and the Board of Trustees have announced that Westminster will close the library again, this time to be revamped into a campus Starbucks.

“After thinking long and hard about Westminster’s mission as a school,” said Evans, “we have decided to change the library into a Starbucks, spanning three floors.”

According to Evans, the idea has been long in the making – and one of his main goals as Westminster’s new President.

“Ever since I first got here, I have felt that the library has been unnecessary,” said Evans. “The renovations were pushed upon us by pesky alumni donations. As a whole, the administration has agreed that a Starbucks would be a far better use of space.”

News of the library overhaul has met with mixed reactions from the student body.

“I just really need a real place to study,” said tearstained junior Chloe Anderson, while clutching a copy of The Official SAT Study Guide. “I’m so tired of being locked up in the basement of Askew, and my doctor said that my skin is looking too pale from the lack of vitamin D.”

However, some students appear to be a bit more receptive to the idea.

“I’m, like, totally into it,” said freshman Eleanor Thomas. “Especially since I can’t drive anywhere on my own, it’ll be great to have such an accessible location. And I’ll have another place to use my Starbucks gold card!”

The senior class, especially, has embraced the new Starbucks construction project.

“Building a Starbucks sounds like an amazing idea,” said senior Isaac Hemingway. “Then I can totally walk into class 20 minutes late instead of 15, holding a vanilla latte.”

Unexpectedly, the faculty has also supported the revamping of space – even the librarians.

“I’m so excited for a campus Starbucks,” said former Director of Libraries Liesel Krueger. “Who needs a reference section when we could be having 100% ethically sourced coffee of the highest quality in the world?”

Other teachers believe that the added convenience and caffeine would greatly contribute to their daily lives.

“I don’t know how many times I’ve been grading and thought, ‘I could really use an espresso right now,’” said Biology teacher Jason Vuckovic. “Having a Starbucks in Pressly would definitely make me more tolerant of the stupidity I see on assignments.”

Benefits of the new Starbucks for faculty would include discounted beverages and having a cooler place to hang out during lunch.

“I’m certainly planning on going there often,” said English teacher Paul Rogers. “Posting artsy Instagram photos of Starbucks drinks undeniably takes precedence over writing comments.”

Evans views the campus Starbucks as a step forward for Westminster.

“As a school, we’ve always tried to cater our spaces to the needs of the community,” said Evans. “And Starbucks is what students and faculty really care about. It’s about time Westminster participated more in current popular culture – and the green Starbucks logo even matches our seal!”

On when the construction of the Starbucks would be completed, however, Evans says there is no set date.

“It took us two years to renovate the library,” said Evans. “Why not wait a little longer?”