WayPay Willy’s closes, students starve to death [Satire]


Seventy-six students have starved to death after the West Paces Ferry Shopping Center franchise of popular local casual Tex-Mex chain Willy’s shut down after receiving an “unsatisfactory” rating from the Fulton County Department of Public Health.

“I am declaring a state of emergency,” said President Keith Evans in an emergency school-wide meeting during PLARTS. “Almost a tenth of the upper school student body is dead and the survivors are growing more emaciated by the day. We have applied for disaster relief funds from the government, and the Red Cross is bringing in its emergency food rations.”

The post-traumatic stress disorder caused by both the sudden dearth of inexpensive queso and the horrific loss of life has left the counselors overloaded.

“Last Friday, my friends and I drove to WayPay after our lacrosse game hungry for some steak quesadillas,and we immediately knew something was wrong,” said visibly distraught junior Lily Morgan while walking out of the counseling offices in Scott Hall. “There were students there who had been waiting outside the door for six days without food who could barely move because their bodies were consuming themselves. The smell of rotting flesh was everywhere. I decided to turn back and eat somewhere else, but my friend Sabrina Sparkes said she would wait for the restaurant to reopen. Yesterday when I was at Gretchen’s, I saw magpies picking the skin off her femur.”

“Sumter [Fiveash] always said that he would rather die than not eat at Willy’s,” said fellow junior Clare Draper. “I think it’s really beautiful that he died for something he believed in.”

The sudden closing has disproportionately affected the seniors, as 45% of the dead were members of the class of 2015, who alone are allowed to eat lunch off campus.

“Eating at the cafeteria during long frees is social suicide,” said senior Deepti Rao. “So for my past few long frees I’ve stood outside Willy’s and eaten gravel to numb the sharp hunger pangs.”

Despite the fact that there are many other Willy’s in the metro Atlanta area, students are reluctant to venture outside the warm womb of 30327.

“I heard a rumor that the Howell Mill Willy’s serves horsemeat,” said freshman Katherine Taylor. “I’d rather go mingle with the entire population of Buckhead at WayPay than go eat somewhere else.”

Many see the cause of the famine as completely illogical.

“Vous êtes fous!” said Class of 2016 grade chair Patrick Mourjan. “Go eat somewhere else, for goodness sake!”

For one junior, the disaster has proved to be a blessing in disguise.

“Live-tweeting the famine has made me a Twitter god,” said Mia Pattillo. “I now have 1.9 million followers, and the hashtags #WeStandWithWillys and #WillysOrDeath are in the running for top hashtags of 2015. If more people keep dying, I might get to 5 million followers.”