Westminster in Brief [Satire]

New SAT replaces vocabulary with FRIENDS trivia

Earlier this year, the Collegeboard announced that they were changing the SAT to include less vocabulary. However, this last Monday, they announced a new section to determine every student’s future: FRIENDS trivia.

“We wanted to make sure high school students have some knowledge of historical TV shows from the 1990s and 2000s,” said a Collegeboard spokesperson. “We at the Collegeboard think the classic sitcom FRIENDS is the perfect way to measure college readiness. I mean, there’s no way a student could survive at a university without knowing that Monica’s opthamologist boyfriend was played by Tom Selleck.”

“I’ve been studying for the FRIENDS section for months now,” said a sophomore girl. “I’ve watched all ten seasons twice. I’m just so scared I’ll pull a Ross and say ‘Rachel’ instead of ‘Emily’ when it truly matters.”

“What’s a FRIENDS?” said a freshman boy.

Drake skips workout, Turner Gym shuts down

In a startling turn of events this last Thursday, AP European teacher Dave Drake skipped his stationary bike workout routine, causing the entire gym to lose power and shut down.

“Three years ago, in order to win the Green Cup Challenge, we rigged all of Turner’s electricity to run off of the power Drake creates while pedalling that bike,” said Eric Lougas. “Everything depends on his workout- the lights, the other exercise machines, all the scoreboards, everything.”

“It was terrifying,” said a sophomore student athlete. “I was just trying to pump some iron, and it suddenly went pitch black. I dropped the barbell on my face.”

“I think it’s clear we depend on Dave Drake more than we initially thought,” said Lougas. “He literally keeps this place up and running.”

Female students agree: dress code completely fair

After some long discussions amongst every female student at Westminster, the verdict is in: the dress code is completely reasonable.

“I realized recently that the no-shorts rule makes complete sense,” said a junior girl. “I mean, when it’s 90 degrees in Atlanta, it makes sense for the girls to have to wear jeans and possibly get heatstroke. It’s just one of those things you have to learn to love.”

“I think the no-leggings rule is fair,” said a senior girl. “I want to look polished and professional during my second semester of senior year. I don’t want to slack off when it comes to looks! Why wear soft, comfortable leggings when you can dress like a young professional?”

“I thought I would miss wearing shorts after middle school,” said a freshman girl. “But boy, was I wrong! I for one love having to choose between cumbersome skirts and heavy, hot denim during the summer months. I’m learning some great life lessons about making difficult decisions!”

The young men on campus felt relieved once the female students stopped complaining about the dress code rules.

“I’m glad the girls have finally come to their senses,” said a junior boy, flexing his thigh muscles in his short shorts. “The dress code is fine as it is.”

Dingle develops southern accent, love of America

After years of hiding his true feelings under dry English sarcasm, chemistry teacher Adrian Dingle finally has announced his love of all things American.

“I just can’t hold back my excitement when I see an American flag or a Big Mac,” said Dingle, who has replaced all chemistry-related items in his classroom with American propaganda. “I’m so proud to be able to say that America is the best country on earth. No, in the universe!”

Dingle also has replaced his distinguished English accent for a new southern drawl.

“I just figured I’ve been here so long in Atlanna, it was time for me to join y’all in y’all’s way of talking,” said Dingle. “I just can’t believe I wasted so much time in England. America is the only place for me.”

Seniors present class gift, donate ski lift for Pressly-Askew steps

In a statement of generosity and love, the class of 2015 presented their class gift this last Friday: a ski lift to take students from the main floor of Pressly Hall to the main floor of Askew.

“We just really wanted to donate something that the Upper School students needed,” said senior Ruwenne Moodley. “We saw a need with those awful stairs between Pressly and Askew, and decided to take things into our own hands.”

“The class of 2015 is a lifesaver,” said a sophomore boy. “By the time I leave lunch and get to Mr. Finsthwait’s classroom, I’m so tired and out of breath I can’t focus. Now I can save my energy going up the stairs, and spend even more time understanding the convoluted relationship between Gatsby and Daisy. Thanks, seniors!”

Limousines to replace buses for JanTerm 2016

Pleased by how JanTerm 2015 turned out, Jim Justice has announced the newest JanTerm change for next year: all buses will be replaced by stretch limousines.

“We just don’t want to spare any expense for JanTerm,” said Justice. “This is JanTerm we’re talking about! We have to start thinking, what makes JanTerm different than J-Term? Or Winter-mester? Or any other short semester program that any other school does? Then it hit me: limousines.”

The main challenge to planning JanTerm limousines involved budget.

“We weren’t sure at first where the money for the limousines was going to come from,” said Justice. “But then we started playing around, and we realized that if we cut our dessert truck budget in half, we would have enough for 39 limousines and still have cupcakes served twice a week. Now every Westminster student can feel like they’re going on a field trip to Los Angeles when they’re truly just going on a field trip to the Civil Rights Musem downtown.”

Westminster Patrol issues $300 traffic tickets

Despite circulating rumors that the Westminster Patrol was not made up of actual licensed policemen, they proved the whole campus wrong this last weekend by distributing numerous traffic tickets.

“I was cutting across campus to get home from Willy’s,” said a senior girl. “It was dark and empty on campus, so I did a rolling stop at one of the stop signs. Next thing I knew, the Westminster Patrol had given me a ticket.”

“I know the speed limit is 25, but I was going 30 by Turner,” said a junior boy. “The Westminster Patrol asked if I knew how fast I was going, then gave me a traffic ticket for $300.”

A few teachers have also felt the wrath of the Westminster Patrol.

“I parked in the fire lane outside Campbell so I could run inside and grab some papers,” said a disgruntled Bible teacher who wishes to remain anonymous. “When I came outside, I had a ticket on my windshield. I heard a rumor all the money from the tickets goes to next year’s JanTerm.”

Bi-Line Website Breaks Internet

Move aside, Kim Kardashian: thebiline.com is now the hottest thing on the web. After receiving thousands of hits in one day, the humble WordPress site has started getting some attention. As a result, the entire internet broke.

“I was on my home computer, and I tried to pull up Facebook,” said a freshman boy. “However, whenever I tried to open a new tab, I got the rockethome ‘this site is blocked’ error message. I had no idea what was wrong.”

“Plain and simple,” said Mark Labouchere, “Thebiline.com broke the internet. All around the world, people weren’t able to access their internet, just receiving rockethome error messages. When we traced it back to the source, we found it was because of extreme traffic on thebiline.com.”

Westminster to close if temperature drops below 60 degrees

To avoid any snow-flurry related car accidents, Westminster has vowed to shut its doors if the temperature falls below 60 degrees Fahrenheit.

“We value the safety of our students first and foremost,” said Keith Evans, “So we have vowed to cancel school if there is even a chance it could flurry.”

The school has also formulated a plan to help prevent weather-related accidents when the temperature rises above 60.

“If it’s below 60, it’s just too risky, go ahead and cancel school,” said Scoot Dimon. “But if the temperature ever falls below 75, we just want to wait a few hours to make sure things clear up. We don’t want to risk any snow flurries in the afternoon. So on days where it’s between 60 and 75 degrees, students are expected to arrive at 10 for a late arrival.”