Speed bumps foster beloved community in senior class

Forget forced class bonding exercises. The class of 2016 has found common ground over their love of the senior parking lot’s new speed bumps.

“The new speed bumps have been the best improvement Westminster has made while I’ve been in high school,” said senior Sabrina Sparkes. “Not only do they remind me how reckless it is to drive on campus at speeds over seven miles an hour, they wake me up in the morning! I’ve cut down on the number of espresso shots in my morning Starbucks order because I’ve realized that every speed bump I ride over gives me a jolt of energy equivalent to one shot of espresso.”

The new bumps stand out from others around campus for their unusual height and shape. Most around campus are between three and four inches in height with a shape not unlike a gently rolling wave. The new speed bumps rise five inches from the ground and have a profile similar to that of K2. Their resemblance to one of the world’s highest mountains has inspired an adventurous spirit among members of the senior class.

“My truck wasn’t made for those wimpy speed bumps by the front gate or worse, smooth pavement,” says senior truck owner Joe Smith. “It was made for mountains like these speed bumps, real tough terrain. Instead of going off-roading on weekends in my truck, I’ve started coming here. To slot. In my truck. And just doing laps, feeling those speed bumps under my tires. In my truck.”

Administrators have been wowed by the positive response to the new speed bumps.

“Here I was, so concerned with bringing the seniors together with t-shirts and Krispy Kreme on Tree Cat Day, worrying myself to sleep over the perfect assembly music to help the beloved community bond, when the thing that does it is a humble speed bump?” chuckled interim head of Upper School Jim Justice. “It’s genius. 21st century learning at its finest.”

Student government officials have taken note. To invigorate senior homeroom with positive energy, they have resolved to literally bring the senior class together around their beloved “sbumps.”

“We’ve decided to hold s’homeroom in slot starting next Tuesday, gathered around the sbumps,” says senior vice president Mia Pattillo. “All seniors have agreed that there’s no time and place where we’re more content than on top of a sbump, in that millisecond before our cars come crashing down to earth. Holding s’homeroom around the sbumps will allow us to dwell in that happy place for 10 whole minutes every Friday. And that will be s’amazing.”