After the boys basketball team’s season-ending loss to Random-Inner-City High School in the second round of their region tournament, weeping head coach Tray Malloy announced that he will take his unmatched talents to the church league basketball at Peachtree Road United Methodist Church (PRUMC). The move marks Malloy’s departure from the Westminster community, which he joined in 2000 as the girls cheerleading and curling coach. With the loss of region four AAA player of the year Will Benson and five other varsity players to the National Basketball Association draft, the team only has three players left who are willing to play on the team and no players taller than five-foot five, which factored into Malloy’s decision.

“After another heartbreaking loss to a school out of nowhere that I’d never heard of for the 51st consecutive year, I thought, there’s no way we can win a championship!” raged Malloy. “So after numerous sleepless nights of eating Cheeto Puffs, I determined that the best choice for my career is the increased chance of winning a championship in none other than a church league.”

The Westminster community responded to the decision in mixed reactions.

“I love his decision,” exclaimed Benson. “Coach Malloy was too good of a coach for this team anyways, so I’m glad he found a higher platform to take his one-of-a-kind coaching skills to.”

Others did not take as kindly to his decision.

“Our team will fall apart next season!” cried junior DJ Lotte. “He was the heart and soul of the team. I can’t help but feel betrayed after watching all those episodes of Gossip Girl before games with him. He can’t just leave us like that.”

Several players have planned to come to school in all black to mourn the loss.

“It’s almost like he died,” said sophomore Paris Howland. “He’s was like family to us, and now he’s gone.”

In addition, the team plans to boycott the 2016-2017 season if Malloy does not return to the team.

“Without watching Gossip Girl with him before games, we have no chance of winning, so what’s the point of even playing?” whimpered junior Zay Malcome.

Malloy’s decision to coach church league has excited church league basketball players and fostered the increasing popularity of PRUMC basketball.

“I’m glad Tray finally realized that Westminster students actually care more about PRUMC basketball than varsity basketball,” said senior Billy McGahan. “I mean, who even watches varsity games? With upwards of cool fans, regular fans, mediocre fans, pro scouts, and nationally recognized basketball players attending PRUMC games, this is the perfect opportunity for Malloy to market himself.”

Several PRUMC teams have reached out to Malloy in contract negotiations.

“We offered Tray a multi-million dollar deal,” bragged sophomore John Abernathy. “Throw in unlimited gummy bears from the bookstore and Chick-Fil-A sandwiches, and that’s too good of a deal to pass up.”