Upper School to move to WayPay, administration announces


After absolutely zero debate, the administration has announced that the Upper School will be moving to WayPay, or the West Paces Ferry shopping complex.

“I was frolicking around campus, observing the students as I usually do. I was like, okay, they really need some coffee, maybe a bean and cheese burrito. And boom, the idea just hit me,” said interim head of Upper School and tree cat enthusiast Jim Justice. “Instead of bringing WayPay to them, why not bring them to WayPay?”

Starting on June 1, five giant cranes adorned with My Little Pony designs will uproot the entire Upper School and just dump it on top of the WayPay parking lot.

“We aren’t really concerned about space,” laughed head of construction Bob the Builder, shaking his head of mysterious plastic hair. “If we do run out, though, the buildings can jut out into Northside Parkway. That might cause some serious traffic jams, but I dunno, no one really cares about that stuff.”

Construction is expected to take anywhere from 12 hours to 12 years.

“You just gotta roll with the punches sometimes,” said Justice in a rally campaign to gain student support for the project. “If we can wait for the library, we can wait for anything.”

Obviously, everyone cheered after that speech, catching flying t-shirts from robots that said, “WayPay can wait! P.S. Happy late Tree Cat Day.”

In the weeks before the school announced the move, several students spotted president Keith Evans in the grandeur of the Westminster lunchroom, eating chicken and rice with multi-millionaires.

“The money had to come from somewhere,” winked Evans. “I just told our richest and most successful alumni that they might get a free taco from Willy’s if they just donated a few million dollars to our campaign. Everyone seemed pretty down with the idea.”

In addition to cramming the entire Upper School into the parking lot, WayPay will undergo a complete renovation. Willy’s will become a fun and hip library, with the bottom floor dedicated officially to freshmen that will never really figure out that the other two floors exist. The Starbucks is expected to go out of business in time for Thrive Coffee to move in and start a franchise. The optometrist office and that random UPS store will relocate, and Yogurtland will resume business so elementary school children can still go there every day after school.

“I’m excited that I won’t have to call my mom anymore to bring me a Chick-Fil-A sandwich during school,” said freshman Bill Nye. “She still might have to come to make sure I’m using my credit card right, but I definitely think the school’s move will be the highlight of my high school experience.”

“Westminster is gonna be so lit,” said sophomore Sam Blau. “Now, I don’t have to spill nacho cheese all over my backpack because I’m hiding it from the librarians.”

“I’m just happy I won’t have to walk so far to my classes,” said junior Cristina Dalton. “It fits in perfectly with my training schedule for second semester senior year. Now I can check the ‘laziness’ box early, so that’s a plus.”

Unsurprisingly, not a single person has wondered if the school move might detract from learning or perpetuate the Buckhead spoiled-kid stereotype.

“If anything, the move will enhance learning,” murmured dean of girls Tiffany Boozer during a hot yoga class at the Well. “Students won’t be late to class because they just had to get a triple espresso coffee, and everyone will learn to learn in close quarters and become even more of a beloved community. Whoa. Learn to learn. Now that’s a deep idea.”

It has been confirmed that Donald Trump will purchase the land where the Upper School is currently located. He plans to turn it into a Cheeto factory.