Westminster pursues new 16:1 laptop policy


As part of its shift into 22nd century learning, Westminster is moving away from its outdated 1:1 student to laptop policy to a new 16:1 policy. Students will begin sharing a laptop with 15 other students for the purpose of practicing teamwork and promoting synergy among the student body.

English teacher Kevin Frank proposed the 16:1 idea to the board after observing the positive effects that sharing a desktop computer had had on his family.

“There’s nothing that has brought more peace and happiness to my family than sharing a desktop computer,” said Frank. “With your Internet history out in the open, you know that no one is hiding anything. And because my son monopolizes the computer playing Call of Duty, it’s even inspired me to spend some time outside, away from the burn of LED screens. I just wanted Westminster students to experience benefits like these that can only come from extreme computer sharing.”

Pressed to describe how exactly computers will be taken away from 94 percent of this laptop-loving school, Frank described how some computers will begin to spontaneously combust over the course of a week until only one out of every 16 students has a functioning computer.

“Oh, come on,” said Frank, noticing this reporter’s shocked face. “It will be fun! Think of it as the Hunger Games. Students are the tributes and the IT Department is the Capitol, controlling their fates. Kids these days love the Hunger Games, right?”

Students have already started an “Occupy Knowledge Bar” movement to protest the new changes to the laptop policy.

“I just don’t get it,” said 16:1 protestor junior Josh van der Eerden. “Apple laptops are essentially a basic human right in this century. If we have to actively hunt them down from someone to watch Netflix – I mean, look at Schoology – then what are we? Savages, like in the olden days?”

Other students have accepted that the shift from 1:1 to 16:1 is coming and have starting strategizing for the change.

“So what I’m going to do is wait until the laptop massacre is over,” said junior Jimmy Balloun. “And I’m going to grab the first survivor I see and then 14 other laptopless folks. I mean, it is only fair to get a group of 16. Anyways, I’m going to handcuff us all together, and we’ll take half hour shifts using the computer, 24 hours a day. We’ll rent a bus when we need to go somewhere since we’ll be handcuffed together. You know, where we go one, we go all. It’s the Wildcat way.”

One group on campus, ECO, has raised the question of what will happen to the decommissioned laptops. Frank brushed their concerns off.

“Don’t worry about that,” he said. “They’re going to the same place all of the old Smart Boards went to.”