Hawkins Hall to be designated freshman hangout spot — nicknamed “Fratio”

The construction of the spanking new building Hawkins Hall has been a wondrous event around campus this year. Hoards of middle and upper schoolers alike pressed against the tall fences, desperate for a peak at the mounds of dirt and beams of metal. The way the workers effortlessly moved the gigantic machines enraptured the many students trying to study through the windows of the library. But one question was always on these students’ minds as they longingly gazed through the third floor window, The Great Gatsby entirely forgotten: what was to be the purpose of this new hall? 

Taking up the old Campbell Hall parking lot, the home to illegal fire-lane parking and Upper School dropoff, Hawkins Hall has a big role to fill. How will it replace the endless student project movies filmed on its gleaming asphalt surface? How will it recreate the confusion of every UberEats driver told to come to the “Campbell Hall turnaround?” How will it become intrinsic to Westminster campus culture? Well, the administration finally has the answer to this burning question:  Hawkins Hall will be the new designated freshman hangout.

No longer will the freshman awkwardly all try to sit on the Askew benches or the slightly off-smelling bottom of Robinson or the overcrowded Turner. No longer will they roam the campus, wondering if there is a place their entire grade can call home. Hawkins Hall will be fitted with all the freshman essentials: separate sitting areas for the boys and the girls, a TikTok production studio, gold star sticker dispensaries for those post-test blues, cue cards for streamlining conversations with Batch, and a phone-a-friend hotline for reaching out to their younger pals in the Middle School. 

With this news starting to circulate about a designated freshman hangout spot on campus, we caught up with a few upperclassmen to see how they felt about this development. 

“I think it’s awesome,” said senior Miles Clown. “Now we won’t have to group together to glare at freshmen until they leave Spatio. With the new Fratio, we don’t have to worry about kicking the freshman out because they’ll have their own space.”

Ah yes, how could we forget about the age-old Westminster tradition of nicknaming everything according to its purpose. From Slot, Spatio, J-lot, CoCo, and more, students just cannot get enough of shortening the names of things to quicken their speech. It’s all about efficiency. Some, however, were not as enthusiastic about the potential new nickname as others.

“We simply do not want to give the impression that we are encouraging fraternity-esque activities on this campus,” said administrator Karen Bumom. “Fratio is simply not an acceptable nickname and students should not be using it. We in the administration have come up with a few that we think are kinda cool. How about FreshSpot? Maybe NewbieZone? Perhaps FreshmanDeserveRightsToo has a particular ring to it, don’t you think?”

Whatever the new nickname is for Hawkins Hall, incoming freshmen are particularly excited about the prospect of having their own little slice of campus life. 

“I heard that if you walk across Spatio a senior will kick you,” said eighth grader Petunia Buckle. “It’s nice to hear that we’ll have our own section if we need to go hide or something.” (Note: freshmen hazing is not allowed under any circumstances, there is no kicking of freshmen on or off Westminster campus)

“I think it’s amazing that we will have our very own TikTok production studio!” said eighth grader Peanut Sizzle. “I learned all the dances during quarantine and I’m so ready to get TikTok famous. I already have 100 followers!” 

Regardless of the various uses of this new Hawkins Hall for the freshman, it’s sure to be a hit across campus as instead of finding freshmen behind bushes or under rocks, you can always find them at the new Fratio, starting next year.