The 2020 Tokyo Olympics have officially been postponed to summer 2021, leaving the top track and field Olympics athletes across the world looking for ways to amp up their training within the next year and preserve their spot in the games. However, world-record holder Usain Bolt seems to think that he’s found the perfect venue for his training. 

“This August, while travelling in Georgia, I stopped by to meet up with my old running buddy Coach Joe Tribble,” said Bolt. “After all, I do owe all of my success to him. In 2016, with each world record that I shattered, I envisioned Tribble’s magnificent green Victory banner in my head.”

Bolt’s visit stirred up excited conversation within Westminster’s very own victory team.

“When I heard Bolt was joining us, I made sure to chug three protein smoothies to make sure I was at my very best performance,” said junior cross-country runner Matthew Propp. “That’s when I knew I could challenge Usain Bolt to a sprint up the most difficult course I’ve ever run: the cottage-to-Askew hill.”

All Westminster students are familiar with this painstaking challenge: the frantic scramble from their cottage classes to the third floor of Askew, with the risk of wiping out in front of the whole school on the treacherous loose gravel walkways. Come rain, snow, frost, or heat, the Westminster students brave it all every single day. 

“I admit, I was cocky at first. I hold the world record in three track events, I’ve reached a top speed of 27 mph, and I’ve even been deemed as the human version of the legend Lightning McQueen himself by the prestigious Westminster Bi-Line newspaper,” boasted Bolt. “So, if a team of white spaghetti noodles could run this little molehill every single day, I was sure that it would be a piece of cake for me.”

However, Bolt’s optimistic predictions proved to be false. Bolt was off to a rough start when he made his first fatal mistake: not squinting his eyes as he emerged from a cottage classroom, getting instantly blinded by the sun reflecting off the metal floors. His second mistake came only minutes after, as he came crashing down on the slippery gravel rocks.

“As if my first two humiliations weren’t enough, when I recovered my eyesight and my balance, a mob of lululemon trampled me,” weeped Bolt. “I’d never seen such a frightening sight– the stampede never seemed to end. I finally know what Mufasa felt like in The Lion King, and I would never wish such terror upon even my worst enemies.”

Despite this trauma, Bolt persevered. He limped past Broyles and prepared to brave the final stretch past Pressly up to Askew when he came face to face with his final, most intimidating obstacle: the ongoing senior boys’ kickball game.

At first, Bolt maneuvered across Spatio expertly, following behind the experienced footsteps of Matthew Propp. Just as the danger seemed to recede, a rogue kick sent the ball flying upward. The entire campus froze and fell silent, watching in hushed horror as the ball ascended through the air, began its arc downward, and descended upon its helpless victim. Bolt never saw it coming.

“How do I feel? I feel great,” said Bolt after the tragedy, nursing the bump on his head with an ice bag. “My corneas are burnt off, my knees are bloodied, my back aches from the trampling, and I probably have a concussion. This experience has been so humbling. I pay my respect to every Westminster student for the pains that they overcome every single day.”

Since that fateful day in October, both Bolt’s body and his spirit have been crushed. Westminster’s very own Matthew Propp has been nominated to replace Bolt in the Tokyo Olympics next year, and he’s beyond excited to represent the school internationally.

“I bought an entirely new tub of protein powder just for this occasion,” boasted Propp. “Victory!!!!”