One-way stairs bring world peace


Murder hornets. The Iran missile crisis. General Soleimani’s death. The storming of the Capitol. The cancellation of Shrek 5. The bloodbath of college decisions. The constant pain in my right pinky toe that’s always there no matter how many Motrin I take. Pigeons (those flying demons are terrifying). The Nigerian prince that still needs my monetary assistance. Your mother. The Suez-Canal-boat-stuck situation. As we all know, this past year has brought upon us many hurdles, a few of which I have listed above. Politicians have been cracking at these issues nonstop in Washington, DC, but there seems to be little hope. But in the wise words of Mr. String, “The time is now 1:10 p.m..” I wholeheartedly agree: it’s time for us to take these issues into our own hands. The solution? One-way stairs. 

Now, you may be skeptical of such a simplistic idea. But you’re wrong, so let me explain. First of all, as esteemed pediatric murder-hornet-urologist Mr. Thread once said, “If you’re too close, you’re too close.” Murder hornets would follow similar rules, respectfully passing by humans on the one-way stairs in order to not be “too close.” Also, murder hornets don’t need stairs because they can fly. As a result, the obvious solution to protecting us from stings is to install stairs that the murder hornets cannot walk on (because they can fly).

The Iranian missile crisis can also be solved with similar logic. Imagine if Iran was going up the one-way stairs and the United States was going down the right one-way stairs. They would never cross paths. There would never be a missile because they would never make contact. Also, there are no missiles in the one-way stairs because that’s against school policy. Similarly, that General guy wouldn’t have died if he had hid in a one-way-staircase because killing is against the one-way-stairs honor code.

The storming of the Capitol. They have to go up the one-way stairs. If the National Guard had just made all the stairs go downward, away from the building, then the insurrectionists couldn’t have gotten in. It’s really that simple.

The cancellation of Shrek 5 is a tragedy. Let’s be honest, one-way stairs can’t fix that. It’s just so sad…

The bloodbath of college decisions. SIKE! T20s are certified Westminster simps — right?

Pigeons. They’re scary, but similar to the murder hornets, they can fly. Flying things don’t use stairs. Problem solved.

The constant pain. I stubbed it coming down the wrong one-way stairs. If only I had listened…Take this as a warning. Fates like mine, and even worse, will await dissenters of the One-Way Stairs. “The time is now 1:15.” Mr. Yarn is a wise man.

The Nigerian prince that still needs my help. One-way stairs means he’s able to revitalize his nation because it’s a large construction project. Similar to FDR’s Second New Deal, this plan would inject jobs and create sustainable economic growth through lasting projects on national infrastructure. Maybe King Sugon Disperra will finally give me an opportunity to visit his palace.

Your mother. Lmao. 

The Suez-Canal. Obviously, the boat wasn’t going the right way. If it had followed the philosophy of one-way stairs, we’d be fine. If only it could car-GO now, world trade would be fixed. Well, I SHIP the idea of the one-way stairs. I don’t even know what all this fuss is a-BOAT. I guess you SEA why the one-way stairs are a good idea. Sadly, with one-way stairs, you won’t have the opportunity to WAVE at your classmates coming down. Oh-WHALE, guess it’ll have to do. Don’t SUE-z me. I bet you CAN-al see the merit now. I bet you can’t CRAFT a better idea. You’ll want to in-VESSEL in this idea early. Maybe you’ll SEA it on Shark Tank!

Anyway, the one problem that Westminster’s revolutionary one-way stairs cannot seem to solve is the tiny issue of COVID. But that’s irrelevant. There’s no COVID now because Joe Biden is president. Say BYE-den to COVID!