As Westminster has spent millions on new construction and innovative COVID-19 precautions, it was recently discovered that Westminster has taken an entrepreneurial approach to regain lost revenue. Aren’t you curious where your tube of saliva is sent every week? Well, I’m here to tell you based on hours and hours of research that Westminster has been shipping your valuable spittle (and crumbs of breakfast leftovers) to a clone factory somewhere in the Midwest. 

Westminster students are known for their high intelligence, unparalleled athleticism, and overall distinguished character. As one of the best, if not the best, high schools in Georgia, our esteemed school boasts students with dizzyingly high test scores and numerous state championships across all sports. Perhaps unsurprisingly, then, our school has been profiting off of us (and our spit) by creating clones that possess our brains and brawn. Students and adults across the country have been secretly purchasing our clones from Westminster on the DL since August to help them excel in school and at their jobs. 

Upon this disturbing discovery, Westminster students have been taking advantage and buying clones of their smart friends. They can use these clones as calculators, assistants, essay writers, standardized test takers, and personal trainers. 

I asked senior Aydin Bandukwala about his thoughts on my very strange findings. 

“To be honest, it’s a great business idea that I support,” said Bandukwala. “My favorite product is the ‘Mu Alpha Theta’ clone– I buy them in bulk because I have been struggling with my calculus quizzes.”

To maintain the journalistic integrity of this article, I purchased a few of the clones myself to test their accuracy and usefulness. For accessibility, I rate them 2.5 out of 5 stars; the black-market lady tried to eat me as I was picking up my goods. But other than that, great customer service! While the star athlete clone was more preoccupied with checking themself out in the mirror than helping me get in shape, the essay-writing clone helped me secure a 97 on my English essay. Overall, I would recommend these clones highly. Just avoid the saleslady with cuckoo eyes.

Now, you may be questioning the ethics of this whole situation. Well, my clone is actually the one writing this article right now. I promise you, once you get your hands on a few of these clones and your math grade skyrockets, you won’t be worrying about your moral compass.

Also, you know how Elon Musk is the mastermind behind Tesla’s mind-boggling technological innovations? He’s actually not. If you’re ever standing next to senior Yash Kadadi at the COVID testing spot at the Student Center in Turner Gym, just know that Kadadi’s clone is actually the brains behind all of Mr. Musk’s recent inventions. Mr. Musk is actually one of Westminster’s best clients and Westminster looks forward to conducting more business with him in the future. 

“I am very honored that Mr. Musk purchased a clone of myself,” said Kadadi. “I cannot believe that my own brain has been helping Mr. Musk with his latest innovations. Although, I am a little frustrated that I have received zero fiscal compensation for my role in developing the Model Y. Meanwhile, I have been spending five grueling hours on one physics WebAssign problem every night. Perhaps I should invest in a ‘Yash Kadadi’ clone.”

Prospective Westminster donors can rest easy knowing that Westminster’s Cloning Board is made up of highly qualified members. I have to admit that their business and entrepreneur skills are truly top-notch. They have programmed their clones to expire in a short period of time as a way to maximize their revenue.

“Pre-programmed expiration dates make our clients come back to buy more clones once their clone expires,” says a Cloning Board member (names are highly classified for legal purposes). “Clones expire after one week. Once clones expire, they inexplicably migrate to Keith Evans’s house. Don’t worry, this minor error will be fixed in the next software update.”

If you happen to see your clone going on a run while you are driving home or picking out the perfect bunch of broccoli at Whole Foods, do not fret. Instead, go ask your clone out on a lunch date or brush each other’s hair. You should be thrilled that someone purchased a clone of yourself. Life is short, so go have fun with your spit clone. It’s very rewarding and incredibly ethical.