Breaking news: Westminster Messiah to become optional starting next school year

Breaking news: Westminster Messiah to become optional starting next school year

Sniff. Sniff.

Do you smell that? It’s the boring scent of Messiah beginning to fill Westminster’s campus. Although eight months away, even the word Messiah causes a wave of drowsiness among students and faculty alike.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,” said freshman Ayan Chaganthi. “Except get through Messiah.”

He’s not alone. A recent study conducted by the Centers for Boredom Control and Prevention (CBC) found that 32 out of every 20 students would rather watch the elephant from Sing than sit through Messiah.

“At least I feel something when she sings,” said an anonymous senior. “Even if that feeling is intense hatred.”

The administration has heard the student body’s complaints and is working toward making a change. To strengthen his re-election campaign, Dean Brooks Batcheller is choosing to hone in on this polarizing issue of Messiah.

“Enough is enough,” said Batcheller. “If you vote for me as dean of students, I promise to make Messiah optional and donate a rotisserie chicken to every bathroom on campus. It’s a brave new world we’re living in today, and it’s important that we listen to the students.”

With remarks like that, it’s no shocker that Batcheller won by a landslide.

The students who will not be attending Messiah have no idea what they will be doing with the extra hour they are gaining that Friday.

“I’m not sure whether to spend that precious 60 minutes counting the number of rubber ducks on Mr. Geeza’s wall or eating a rotisserie chicken in the Askew bathroom,” said the Wildcat.

Not everyone is rejoicing about this news, however. On March 18, at approximately 12:32 pm, an Instagram account titled “awakeAtMessiah1741” was created. These revolutionaries are fighting to stop the haters from tarnishing their beloved Messiah.

In retaliation, another account titled “asleepAtMessiah56” was made. The dispute between the two is beginning to take a violent turn.

“If I ever have to sit through another performance of Messiah, I promise to climb onto that stage and cut the strings off of every violin myself,” said the creator of asleepAtMessiah56, who is choosing to stay anonymous.

Hide your kids. Hide your violins. With the way things are going, the number of casualties will only continue to rise.

Who would have thought that something like Messiah would cause such a divide among the Westminster community? Amid this trying and discordant time, it’s important to remember the ideals Westminster stands for.

In the wise words of Scoot Dimon, love, challenge, lead, change.

You may be wondering what this has to do with Messiah. I have absolutely no idea; it’s up to interpretation. Go cats!




Note: This article, like all of our articles in the April Fool’s edition, is satire. Laugh.