Westminster introduces 200 new phases of construction 


In an official email from the Office of Institutional Advancement, Westminster introduced the next 200 phases of construction to come to campus. The email, sent only to parents, explicitly detailed what the next century would look like on campus, starting with Phase 5 and ending with Phase 205. 

The phases are split up into larger collections. The first collection, which includes Phases 5 through 55, is entitled the Home Phase, as they will only cover land that is already currently a part of Westminster’s campus. For example, Phase 20 takes the summer camp area and lacrosse fields and replaces them with a large runway in a partnership with Delta and the Hartsfield Jackson International Airport. Phase 44 razes President Keith Evans’s house and turns it into the President’s Center, replete with a bowling alley, a welcome center for alumni, a second welcome center for alumni who are Willing To Donate, and a 60-foot-tall sign that will simply read “Love, Challenge, Lead, Change.” Phase 7, also notable in the delight it created among the younger members of the Westminster community, would replace Askew Hall with a giant Epcot ball to recreate the success of Disney World on our campus. There are four total collections. 

This plan has sparked mixed reactions among the Westminster community. 

“I just wonder how future classes will deal with the construction,” said freshman Alexa Wells. “I know that in seventh grade, sometimes I could hear the distant clang of metal while I did my paint-by-numbers; it was really distracting.” 

“I actually really like the ideas,” said sophomore Kara Lott, who orders a chocolate croissant at Barge every day. 

Some specific phases have caught the community’s eyes. One particular case is Phase 178. This phase requires Westminster to buy the city of Atlanta and expand Westminster’s campus. Previews of what that would look like are already being shown on the video screen in Barge. Also foreshadowed within Barge is the music, showcasing what life might be like under Phase 11 when the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra comes to either play instrumental versions of “seven rings” by Ariana Grande or “bad guy” by Billie Eilish. Students can also sometimes catch glimpses of a waterfall that splashes over a Westminster logo on the Barge screen, which would be included in Phase 42, Westminster Resorts™. 

Westminster has also redirected funding toward sporting events. Football, baseball, and basketball teams will practice in the Braves and Mercedes Benz stadiums, traveling there with the aid of Westminster’s new bullet train. Cross-country and track & field will, of course, continue practicing on the track and on Kosh field. 

“I think what I’m most interested in is Phase 106, where WCAT gets to take over the CNN center,” said senior and leader of WCAT James Solomon. “I’m really excited to see future generations do edits of the presidential debates to INDUSTRY BABY (featuring Jack Harlow) by Lil Nas X.” 

The Office of Institutional Advancement declined to comment on the speculation that the money used to fund these projects had been originally allocated for improvement in the school’s mental health and performing arts facilities. 

Westminster has further decided to amend the curriculum to accommodate these changes on campus. What was formerly known as Discovery has now been replaced with a new mandatory course for Upper Schoolers: Construction. Instead of the traditional team building activities, students in Construction will get the chance to conquer a fear of heights atop ladders that span several floors and study electrical structures first-hand as they help construct one of many hot tubs within the Westminster Resorts™.

“Yeah, I’m pretty nervous about this whole Construction [projects],” said eighth-grader Noah Turbes. “I just really have never had any experience in heavy-duty manufacturing as a field.”

Hard hats will be required for the course, so the students can truly get a realistic feel of the lives of construction workers as they help build scaffolding. The hard hats will be green hats and emblazoned with a large white “W” and can be found at the bookstore for a supplementary cost of $29.99. 

“Yes, of course, we added the Construction courses so our students can explore more career paths following graduation while gaining hands-on fun experience,” said head of the Office of Institutional Advancement Wylin Wildcat, quoting directly from the course’s description on the school’s website. “No other reason.”  

Overall, the new phases of construction are sure to bring new ideas and revenue to Westminster’s campus. The Westminster community should be excited to embrace these changes to campus, sure to preserve the campus’s original spirit and vitality. 



Note: This article, like all of our articles in the April Fool’s edition, is satire. Laugh.