With the recent visit from Olympic commissioner Thomas Bach to watch Gary Jones’s world-class track and field team, major moves have been made in electing a new 800-meter race course for the approaching 2024 summer Olympics. Although these were previously stated to be held in Paris, Bach decided that the Kent Field to Askew course had all the necessary rigor for this event, and relocated the prestigious games to Macon, Georgia to accommodate for his desired change.

“I’ve always wanted something with a little more pizazz,” said Bach. “Viewers no longer enjoy watching athletes circle around a track for long periods of time, and I think the major hills combined with extreme staircases will provide just what the Olympics have been looking for. I’ve seen the sweat pouring from students as they trudge up the stairs and through the trees on their way to class, and I know it has potential to really spice up our track and field events.”

The Westminster admissions office has projected Bach’s decision to bring in more than 4.8 million dollars in revenue, a profit high enough to bring back panini presses and hire an exterminator to end the ant infestation in the bottom of Campbell. This move has its downsides, though. Dean of students Brooks Batcheller reports that there has been an increase of 49 percent more juniors parking at the deck, skyrocketing this statistic higher than even exam week. 

“I’ve handed out 56 detentions already today,” said Batcheller. “I’ve never seen anything like this. I always knew the students were unhappy with their parking situation, but I didn’t think it would get this terrible. As an act of discipline, I’m making juniors park on Kosh and run the rest of the way to their classes. The Olympics want better athletes, I’ll give them better athletes.” 

Juniors feel that this announcement has finally validated their complaints and given them the necessary confidence they need to make the adjustment.

“There’s strength in numbers,” said one Junior. “I’ve been making the Kent walk for 8 months now, but I won’t stand for it anymore. This is a journey cultivated for the best athletes in the world, not your average student every morning. ” 

Juniors also describe the walk as “criminal” and “unjust” as they retell the horrors of diving through oncoming traffic in order to get across the road and being trampled by middle school students as they run to PE. It’s safe to say that as major track competitors prepare for this updated course, students can expect campus to be abundant with Olympians, and seniors can expect the deck to be abundant with juniors.