Varsity Squash replaces ‘Family’ as Westminster’s highest funded athletic program


As you stroll through Westminster’s illustrious Turner Gymnasium, endless shelves of glittering trophies and proud plaques line the glorious green-and-white-tiled halls. At the far end of the gym lies Gladney Gymnasium, the pride and joy of Westminster athletics.

Arguably Turner Gym’s greatest architectural feat, Gladney features vintage medieval-style lighting, as well as gorgeous high ceilings that allow for the perfect acoustics for the four squash courts situated within this distinguished facility, home to the Varsity SquashCats. 

“I love how Gladney feels so cozy,” said senior squash captain Fohn Jaussemagne. “The dank cave vibes really make this my safe space, and the echoes of the squash ball ricocheting off the walls is so comforting.”

This February, the team and their esteemed managers journeyed to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania to compete in the most riveting sporting event of the year—the 2023 High School Squash Nationals tournament.

“I was so nervous for my matches,” said junior captain Karah Sim. “But thanks to our team’s brilliant managers, everything turned out just fine!”

Over the course of the matches, the varsity boys climbed the ranks of the Division V bracket, fighting hard to bring home the National title. The varsity girls played hard, and brought home the gift of friendship and a seventh place consolation prize!

“I’m so proud of the whole team for pushing themselves,” said head coach Celia Pashley. “But I am especially proud of our managers, for managing so excellently. Now, we have a fresh banner to decorate the walls of Gladney with!” 

As a result of their most recent national title, athletic director Tim Downes announced during last Tuesday’s press briefing that the varsity SquashCats have now replaced Family (the football team) as the school’s highest funded program. 

“Simply stated, the squash team is different,” said Downes. “They brought back a national title, and no other athletic team can say the same.”

The football team has since denied requests for comments, but it’s rumored that one of the football coaches is responsible for the recent #SquashHate movement that has overtaken social media.

The #SquashHate movement has received mixed responses from the community, but some students have chosen to see the threats in a different light. 

“Mad because bad,” said freshman squash manager Hicks Lanier. “In fact, my grind is harder because of you haters, so thank you—I see you and I appreciate you. Dirty South 4L!”

Other students, when asked to comment, seemed clueless about the true meaning of the movement.

“This whole time I thought the movement was anti-vegetable,” said an anonymous student. “I feel like I’m being pranked. There’s a sport called squash?”

Despite the conflict incited by this decision, the athletic department is standing firm with their financial decisions. 

“We’ve allocated about half the football budget to squash, which now leaves the football team with only $1.2 million for annual spending,” said Downes. “Although drastic, we hope these changes will incentivize them to win a few games every now and then.”

Nevertheless, the squash coaches are ecstatic about their newly acquired funds, and have begun planning for massive program expansion and enhancement. 

“Oh, I’ve got HUGE plans for the SquashCats,” said Pashley. “I’m thinking of turning Gladney into storage to house our massive collection of trophies, and replacing old Askew with a brand-new squash training facility.”

Whether or not these bold plans get approved is yet to be determined, but one thing is for sure: the future holds nothing but greatness for the SquashCats.