Erewhon, L.A.’s trendiest (and most expensive) grocery store, known for its sea moss, Hailey Bieber smoothie, and $20 water, has taken over TikTok, Instagram, and, most recently, the Westminster community. After several violent riots held on Spatio, parents and students demanding better access to exotic superfoods and wellness products finally got the announcement of their dreams. On April 1, Westminster leaders broke ground on the construction of an Erewhon in place of Barge’s Guan Café.

“At a rigorous academic and athletic institution such as Westminster, students need access to the best resources available to keep them functioning at their highest each and every day,” said the administrator spearheading this project. “What they need is blue spirulina.”

Parents, who have been advocating for changes like this, couldn’t agree more.

“I used to have to send my daughter to school with algae pills everyday, and now, she has access to those and similar bare necessities through the school,” said one junior mom.

Some students, however, mourn the loss of macarons, seasonal lattes, bacon bagels, and other fan favorites from the old times of Guan Café. In response to one particular complaint about the disappearance of mango smoothies, the school issued a statement claiming that “mango smoothies and other liquid carcinogens of the past do not serve the Westminster of today.”

In response to concerns about accessibility, however, Westminster has said they will build the estimated yearly spending into the tuition, bringing the tuition to roughly $1,000,000 per year. This way “everyone gets free Erewhon,” said the Westminster board in a statement released yesterday.

Also in hopes of integrating Erewhon into the daily lives of students, Flik catering in the cafeteria will eventually be replaced with a selection of nuts and cheeses from Erewhon, carefully cultivated by the nation’s top flavor experts.

“I personally loved the nachos, beefy cheesy mac, and all the delicious variations of chicken and rice that Flik provided,” said one middle school student. “But pule cheese and almonds sound great, too.”

Also predicted for the 2024-2025 school year is the return of learning cottages in order to accommodate this huge construction project, and surprisingly, feedback from students has shown their great willingness to move their classrooms back to Broyles Field.

“Members of the Westminster community understand better than anyone that greatness takes sacrifices,” said a junior girl.

The projected success of the development has even sparked rumors about a second location replacing the bookstore, but for right now, the Westminster community will need to somehow make do with just one Erewhon.

“It better not run out of the lavender bath salts and liquid chlorophyll I need,” said a Westminster eighth grader.

Regardless of whether or not the Erewhon will expand, students can look forward to the ribbon-cutting ceremony set for April 1, 2025 in which Hailey Bieber herself will be in attendance.

“Westminster is such a beautiful campus, albeit small and lower-end. I wanted to help in any way I could,” said Bieber. “I can’t wait for everyone to try my signature smoothie.”

As of now, administrators at Westminster hope the prospect of having an on-site Erewhon in the near future will propel students further in their academic, athletic, and extracurricular careers.

“Westminster has long cultivated innovative, entrepreneurial initiatives alongside an academic program that consistently ranks among the most successful in the nation,” said one donor. “This will be no different.”