Westminster has just announced that a range of testing will be required for all non-Westminster students attending prom, assessing their mental, physical, and spiritual abilities. 

The effort for this change in rules began immediately after last year’s prom after multiple dates were caught pronouncing Westminster as “West-min-i-ster.” The school decided to take action and formed the new committee, dubbed M.A.D.D. (Moms Against Dumb Dates), which was more than happy to help following the outrage at respective picture parties. 

“My daughter’s Lovett date brought her a red rose corsage that completely clashed with her enchanted garden aesthetic gown,” said an anonymous Westminster parent. “I already don’t think any of the Westminster boys are good enough for my daughter – let alone a Lovett boy who is not even taking Calculus 11 yet.” 

Many new restrictive measures have been put in place to safeguard against these types of dates. For example, students who neglected to volunteer for prom duty are now part of the security team, armed with the Westminster handbook and a list of Keith Evans-themed fun facts to test students with.

“In the middle of the dance, I was cornered and forced to sing Westminster’s alma mater,” said a traumatized Pace junior. “I knew I would have to prepare the lyrics before coming to this, but I had no idea there was a choreographed dance with it, too.” 

Another date wearing 6-inch heels reported having to run from Kent Field to Askew in under three minutes as soon as they arrived.

“They told me if I wanted to attend the top-athletic-program-in-the-country’s prom, I would have to prove myself.”

Regrettably, a few Westminster students have been caught in the crossfire. One Westminster senior reported being kicked out after getting caught using his fingers to help him count to five. 

“This is outrageous” he commented, “I’m an Alpha Omega! I is just as smart as everyone else, if not smarter!”