It has come to my attention that the productivity of Westminster students has significantly increased since the implementation of the 1:1 Mac program. Whenever I walk into my classes, the serene glow of the Apple logo greets me like an old friend. As I pioneer the easily navigated maze of charger cables – clear indications of students’ responsibility and financial shrewdness, since they can cut back on the electricity bill at home – I am comforted by the knowledge that my peers and I are the successful guinea pigs of cutting edge, twenty-first century learning.

“My Pokémon have all evolved to at least level 60!” said one of my classmates. “I caught all of the Legendaries during math yesterday, and I’ll probably beat the game by the end of Bible.”

The fact that my fellow cohorts reap the benefits of playing such prominent computer games brings a resplendent glow to my darkest day. Crucial life skills are learned by playing Pokémon, which include but are not limited to nurturing small, pixelated images and deftly switching screens between online textbooks and the Pokémon screen, and cannot be learned in useless courses such as history or physics.

Consequentially, such actions provide excellent hand-eye coordination training and will give students the dexterity of a surgeon, thus abolishing the need for medical school. Playing computer games especially saves time in language classes, as those subjects have no meaning anyway; clearly, American is the leading world language. USA! USA! USA!

Not only have computer games given me the skills I need to function as a well-rounded human being in society, they have also relieved lots of homework and college-induced stress. Last year’s track state champion, Jordan Flowers, explained to me how playing pool online significantly reduces his homework load and aids his training:

“It’s really quite simple,” he said, while carefully aiming the pool cue. “Coach likes us to get about nine hours of sleep a night. That usually means I have about three hours to do homework. The more time I spend playing pool (which, by the way, has really helped me gauge vectors – more than physics ever did!), the less time I have to do homework and to study. Most nights, I average about twenty to thirty minutes of schoolwork a night. It’s amazing how much sleep I’ve been getting.”

His coach, Joe Tribble, agrees wholeheartedly.

“Getting enough sleep is really important to a good season. I make the boys keep logs of how much sleep they get a night, and JFlo’s track record, no pun intended, has been exemplary. He’s been running a lot faster, and I have no doubt it’s because of the Macs. Victory.”

In addition, the 1:1 program really helps Westminster go green. We definitely have a shot at the Green Cup Challenge this year, as the year-round flyers in the bathroom stalls conveniently remind me. Turning off the main lights in the classroom and lighting it by the illuminated screens of twenty or so charging Macs probably saves enough energy for us to pull ahead of our rivals this year.

I know the environment also appreciates our disregard of notebook paper. According to the back of my 100 percent recyclable Tropicana orange juice carton, it takes an entire rain forest to make just one ream of paper. Westminster can take their mission one step further by banning paper products entirely. Sure, the Wi-Fi has the occasional tendency to be less than average and MyBackpack remains a mystery for all, but Westminster should start thinking like the good friend of Albus Dumbledore and highly accomplished wizard, Gellert Grindelwald: “For the Greater Good.” Through the 1:1 program and the abolishment of paper, the school will actively save rain forests one Mac at a time.

However, though Westminster’s decision to use the 1:1 program is admirable, one can hardly call it adequate. Technology constantly upgrades and improves, as demonstrated by Apple’s quick release of the iPhone 5s and 5c, which comes in fun fruit colors! In order for the school to stay on top of the technology curve, I believe that it will become necessary to add numerous 1:1 programs, such as a 1:1 Smart Board program or 1:1 printer program, in years to come. One can only hope the endowment will keep pace with the necessity of 1:1 technological expansion, especially once this generation of MacBooks is rendered useless by the forthcoming release of Apple’s  new and lighter MacBook Helium.

Note: The Bi-Line publishes this piece as a satire, written by columnist Katherine Hur for English.