Westminster in Brief: November 2015

What’s happening on the Westminster campus that the communications office doesn’t want you to know about? Intrepid senior Online Editor Maya Bradford recently took to the streets to find out, hoping to one day win back her former position of News Reporter. Read on to see the news that the Westminster alumni magazine deemed too scandalous to cover.

Wrestlers desperate to cut weight enact drastic new policy

Turner Gym- Any student wrestler will tell you that one of the hardest things about their sport is the pressure to “cut,” or lose weight, in order to compete in lower weight classes.

“All I’ve eaten for the past week are bananas,” said senior wrestler Andrew Taylor. “I try to eat them really slowly so the meal lasts longer.”

“I’m trying to get down to zero percent body fat,” said sophomore wrestler Jonathan Goodman, apparently unaware of the fact that zero percent body fat is not only deadly but also impossible.

The wrestling coaches have recognized the unhealthy pressures that they are placing on their athletes by expecting them to reach clinically underweight BMIs and have since come up with a healthier solution.

“A human leg weighs about 15 pounds,” said head wrestling coach Bobby Hayes. “Lose two of those and that’s a weight drop upwards of 30 pounds.”

Double-leg amputations allow the wrestlers to cut a significant amount of body weight without having to give up normal eating behaviors.

“It’s probably better for everyone this way,” said Hayes.

Bee wreaks havoc on student body

Spatio- Students and faculty gathered at the steps of Pressly Friday morning to celebrate college counselor Nancy Beane’s recent recognition by the National Association for College Admission Counseling as president-elect. As MAC began to sing a brand-new original song, however, the group of student onlookers soon abandoned their quiet reverence.

“It’s a bee!!!!!!!!” screamed senior Mia Pattillo, causing every classmate within earshot to duck for cover. “The same bee that terrorized me during lunch on the Malone Patio yesterday!”

The yellow and black anthophile zoomed menacingly around the terrified students, possibly hunting for the half-eaten Krispy Kreme donuts that were clutched in Pattillo’s grubby paws.

“I am disappointed that the ceremony was disrupted with such chaos,” said interim head of Upper School Jim Justice in a taped statement broadcast on WCAT. “But I am glad that no students were severely injured in this incident. Ultimately, I believe this unfortunate incident with the bee will only make our beloved community stronger.”

At press time, many of the students were still glancing fearfully over their shoulders, wondering when the bee might strike again.

Westminster Patrol expands boundaries to West Paces

Smoothie King- A black SUV with tinted windows emblazoned with the words “Westminster Patrol” is a now familiar sight to most upperclassmen, who spend the majority of their energy avoiding answering their pointless questions and paying for Westminster Patrol-issued parking fines. In a recent turn of events, however, it seems as if the Westminster Patrol will no longer simply patrol the Westminster campus.

“I had the long free, so I was trying to get in some of that WayPay and Chill time, if you know what I mean,” said senior Catherine Christopher. “But what should appear but a Westminster Patrol car! I had to get out of there.”

According to eyewitness accounts, a marked Westminster Patrol SUV has been occupying the West Paces parking lot for the past few days.

“Isn’t this no longer campus?” said junior Benjamin Braddock. “Shouldn’t we be able to do what we want? Not that I’ve ever been off campus for lunch. That is clearly against the rules.”

Upon closer examination, the Westminster Patrol SUV stationed at West Paces housed an unidentified Westminster Patrol officer, who was recording student activity with tremendous detail on a wooden clipboard.

The Westminster Patrol has declined to comment.

Senior accepted into college; drops out of classes, school

The Writing Center Annex- Upon hearing of her acceptance to Melville College, victorious senior BD Wong declared that she was done with all of her extracurricular activities, athletic commitments, classes, and entire school career.

“I mean, it’s all over,” said Wong. “I’ve worked so hard and I never need to work again.”

Wong has already notified her swimming coach and newspaper editors that she will no longer be attending practice or turning in columns. At press time, Wong was on her way to notify dean of girls Tiffany Boozer of her leave of absence from the school.