Full House (of Representatives)

        I can see it now: weeknights from 5:30 to 6:00pm EST. It’ll be a sitcom, right, about a family who lives in a house. A heartwarming comedy about a white family growing up in the upper middle-class. But here’s the catch: each family member is a candidate for the Republican primary.

        I’ll go through the pilot with you scene by scene. The show opens as Jeb Bush sips a cup of coffee early on a Saturday morning. See, Bush is the father, and he wants to run the household just like the one he grew up in. The actor playing him has to be someone familiar, someone with lots of family in the Hollywood scene. Like Liam Hemsworth or Dave Franco. But older. Definitely older.

        Anyway, Bush is sitting there in the morning, drinking his coffee, when Donald Trump comes in. Trump is the estranged brother who has moved back into the house after realizing that he couldn’t make it in the real world. After talking about the upcoming day, Trump’s toupee will fall into Bush’s coffee, a gag that happens consistently throughout the season.

        Bush laughs, but Trump, embarrassed, runs into the other room just as Bush’s wife, Ted Cruz, runs in. See, Cruz and Bush will struggle with marital problems similar to that of the upper-middle class white Americans at large, so they’ll be relatable. In this episode, Cruz will be struggling with a shopping addiction, one in which he is constantly stealing Bush’s cash savings without his knowledge, and spending them on things like shoes or jewelry (or private health care).

        Their children, Ben Carson and Marco Rubio take presence in the next scene. See, Carson is the smart one, while Rubio is the cool one. Like Zack and Cody but less civil as shown in the first presidential debate. I mean the first dinner, which just so happens to be our next scene. It starts on page 17, so if you turn with me…

         See, Bush knows that Cruz has been stealing his extra cash, and confronts him at the dinner table. While this is going on, Trump, who has no grasp on the value of the dollar, proceeds to throw plates and scream until someone pays attention to him. This gets in the way of Carson attempting to form an impromptu surgery on Rubio, after Rubio stole his girlfriend earlier in the episode. The broken plates distract Carson, who kicks over his medial tray, causing chemicals to splash all over Cruz’s new heels.

        A couple other things happen and the family finally ends up bonding jokingly after Trump almost commits arson to “make America great again.” The next 23 episodes consist of the five working together and constantly struggling to come out on top, even though they all know that none can succeed without the help of the others.