New Year with new resolutions

It’s that time of year when everyone’s mistakes magically vanish as if wiped away with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. We start fresh, beginning the year with new resolutions and novel ways of sticking to them. This year, I set myself a few goals, namely attempting to minimize my consumption of processed meats and to stop spending all my money on cat toys. As I take on these daunting challenges, I have sifted through the innumerable ways the Internet suggests to “actually keep your New Year’s resolution.” I would like to relay some of my favorites for your personal use.

1.    Keep a daily journal; this will help you keep yourself accountable and meet your goals throughout the year. Buy yourself one of those hand-bound leather journals made in Peru and $200 fountain pens. Then write your name in it and shove it in a drawer that you won’t open until mid-August of next year.

2.    Celebrate the little victories. Take a spa day after a month of frugal spending.

3.    Buy something new that helps you fulfill your goals like some new clothes for the gym. This way both you and your credit score suffer from that two-year membership at LA Fitness.

4.    Make an inspiration board. It’s like Pinterest, but it requires tape and effort. You’ll hang it up, but quickly throw it in the trash lest someone sees it.

It has been a long and arduous journey just to make it into 2016 for the presidential election. Now that we are finally here, it’s time that some of the candidates look past the trivial things like policy and focus in on the things that matter. In the spirit of the New Year, I have compiled a few suggested resolutions for some of the candidates in the hopes that they can use them to heal, inspire, and revive themselves.

Donald Trump

Mantra: “It’s out with the old, and in with the new. Good-bye, clouds of gray, hello, skies of blue. A dip in the pool, a trip to the spa. Endless days in my chaise, the whole world according to moi!” – Sharpay Evans from High School Musical 2

    Hold it together. Formaldehyde as new hairspray?

    Try something new. Switch from the MAC foundation to something lighter like a BB cream from Bobbi Brown or Clinique.

    Spend more time with daughter, Ivanka. Do normal father-daughter activities together like golf or real estate.

    Overcome pride. Give in and finally get that hearing aid in order to stop shouting all the time.

    Smile more. Or at least, get Botox to remove the frown lines.

Hilary Clinton

Mantra: “Be true to your heart.” – Mulan from Mulan

    Be fun. Try out some fun, funky, fresh new colors like chartreuse or beige for pantsuits. Also, consider getting one of those funny little hats that the Queen of England has.

    Be strong. Stop changing hairdo based on the latest Buzzfeed poll.

    Be relatable. Get a selfie stick to snap some candid pics at rallies. Throw out some hip phrases like “turnt” and “ballin’.”

Jeb Bush

Mantra: Actions speak louder than words.

    Stand up for yourself. Before each debate, spend three minutes standing in a power position to generate confidence.

    Be true to your roots. Finally admit that you are related to those two guys. Change campaign name to JebB!

    Sign up for a motivational speaking class from televangelist Joel Osteen. Make the voters truly BELIEVE.

    Keep God in your heart. Or at least, a tiny baby Jesus in your pocket.

Ted Cruz

Mantra: “The darkest nights produce the brightest stars.” – John Green

    Make friends.

As each of you journeys forth into the coming year, I hope that this serves as some inspiration to strive for a better tomorrow. I leave you with the immortal words of the great Donald Trump: “I try to learn from the past, but I plan for the future by focusing exclusively on the present. That’s where the fun is.”