As the COVID-19 pandemic wracks the country, Westminster president Keith Evans has been faced with tough decisions across campus, whether it included shutting down sports, moving classes online, or his latest decision: paying tuition with toilet paper. 

In his daily email on March 25, Evans issued the shocking statement: “During this time of fear and panic, the Wildcat Community must rely on each other. With all of the doubt surrounding our future on this planet, only one thing remains certain – we all need toilet paper.” 

Parents flocked to social media in outrage, desperate to hoard their own supplies for their families. Stores around the country report massive toilet paper shortages. Walking through the aisles of Target, Publix, Walmart, or other popular grocery stores in Metro Atlanta, the bare shelves reflect the value in this necessity. Other questions arose pertaining to the type, quantity, material, color, and design of Westminster’s preferred toilet paper. Junior Aydin Bandukwala believed that if Westminster prevented him from attending school, they should receive subpar toilet paper in response.

“When I went to the bathroom during school, I always laughed at the poor quality of the toilet paper,” said Bandukwala. “If you used it to blow your nose and it didn’t start bleeding soon after, you are one of the lucky ones.” 

Other students shared Bandukwala’s discomfort and urged Wildcat families to return the favor in their tuition payments. Junior Julia Rhee recruited the math team to calculate how much each square should equal in their skyrocketing tuition payments.

“Even that low quality toilet paper is in heavy demand these days,” said Rhee. “Since the Mathcats are unable to participate in any more competitions for the foreseeable future, we decided to team up to ensure the administration doesn’t price gouge in these times of fear.” 

After extensive calculations, double checked by math teacher Ellen Vesey, the team concluded a fair price of $400 per square of toilet paper. Evans has not yet commented on this conclusion.

As complaints from parents rose, especially from the senior class parents, Evans released another statement on March 27. In recognition of the seniors’ uncertainty surrounding graduation, prom, the mudslide, and last week of school activities, Evans put forth a new incentive for this suffering class.

“If seniors graduate with as high an academic standing as before the pandemic, they will receive a roll of toilet paper with their diploma,” said Evans. While still faced with the loss of certain traditions, this end-of-the-year gift certainly makes up for the tragedy. Senior Sydney Hunter finally felt at ease with this promise.

“I cried for five days straight because I would miss my only senior night in high school,” said Hunter. “Nothing would stop my crying. But the second Mr. Evans revealed our graduation gift, it was almost like the world was normal again. Sitting in online class, I’m happier because I have something to look forward to at the end of the year.” 

Still, the question remains of who actually receives the toilet paper from tuition. Does it all go to Evans in his castle on the hilltop? Can it be sanitized properly and still used in its intended function? There seems to be no answer to these questions.

Amid the uncertainty of Wildcat Nation during this pandemic, it reassures Cats everywhere that their donations are helping someone, somewhere.