Stipends available in exchange for photos of juniors parking at the deck


Driving in circles and searching for a space in the deck, only to see that a member of the class of 2023 has taken that last one, has become a daily occurrence for many seniors this year. Due to the lack of available parking spaces, the senior class has become outraged after racking up multiple tardies and loads of stress they have gone through in order to safely park their cars in the mornings. However, the administration has seen this distress and come up with a solution: scare the juniors away. 

Starting on April 1, seniors walking through the deck should take photos of any and all cars with the class of 2023 parking stickers on them in exchange for rewards. 

“We saw how terrible parking is in the morning for these seniors and we feel as though their privileges have been taken by these underclassmen,” said an anonymous administrator. “The student who turns in the most underclassmen parking at the deck will receive a hefty stipend to use on whatever their heart desires.” 

Junior Harold Styles is furious over this idea and confused as to why he must obey due to his “special circumstances.” 

“I don’t understand why I can’t park at the deck,” Styles said, “I’ve been a junior three times, cut me some slack!”

Despite Styles’s frustration, many other juniors love the idea. 

“I always park at Kent and make the trek to class alone, but lots of my friends park at the deck,” says junior Rory Gilmore. “Maybe this will scare them into parking with me so I won’t be alone!” 

Unsurprisingly, many seniors love this idea as they want to see the underclass students punished for not waiting their turn to use these special parking privileges. 

Seniors Helen Watermelon and Britney S. Pierce shared their tips on finding these underclassmen.

 “It’s always the cars with no stickers,” says Pierce. “They back into their spaces with shame because they know what they’re doing is wrong.” 

“Trucks. It’s always the trucks,” adds Watermelon. 

While many seniors look forward to this fun activity for their last month on campus, some sympathize with the underclassmen and will not be participating. 

“I feel bad ratting out these kids for doing what I used to do,” says senior Dula Peep. 

Senior Tyler Baudelaire understands Peep’s intentions, but ultimately disagrees with her statement.

 “I understand where Dula is coming from, however, the stipend is too enticing to give up,” said Baudelaire.

After answering many questions about point values and rules, the administrators added that cars with a class of 2023 sticker are worth 1 point, class of 2024 are worth 5, and students with no stickers but proof of ownership are worth 10. Additionally, any cars without stickers that are revealed to belong to parents or visitors will result in a 20 point deduction per instance.

The competition is open to students from all grades and will run from April 1 at 7:37 a.m. to April 28 at 1:13 a.m. At the end of the semester, the results will be totaled, and a student will be rewarded for their honor and love of discipline. Most upper class students loved this for a variety of reasons, whether it was that they were finally seeing the space stealers face the punishments they so rightfully deserve, or that they want the stipend. Regardless of the reason, the students are ready, so let the games begin!






Note: This article, like all of our articles in the April Fool’s edition, is satire. Laugh.