The Westminster Schools of Atlanta has long been recognized as the top school in Georgia with an outstanding track record in a variety of competitions. Whether in sports competitions, writing contests, or music competitions, Westminster students are constantly striving for victory. Recently, a new competition has emerged at Westminster called “Who’s Awake?” where students compete to see who can sleep the least during the month of April. The winner of the competition gets a lifetime supply of the formidable Flik cheeseburger soup. 

Even though this year is the competition’s debut, more than 90 percent of the Upper School is already signed up– a higher participation rate than any advisement activity so far this school year.

The recommended amount of sleep for teenagers is 8-10 hours, but with excessive homework, demanding extracurriculars, and whatever else Westminster students do these days, even sleeping six hours seems like a luxury to most. 

“If I can get six hours of sleep on a school night, I’m already calling that a win,” said a Westminster sophomore. 

Westminster administration has begun to notice the constant lethargy of students, and to mitigate declining mental state, counselors have invited all sorts of guest speakers to speak to the Upper School about mental health. From videos about poodles to the recent rather interesting  guest speaker for the junior class, Westminster students have seen it all. 

However, what the school’s efforts lack are actions to actually alleviate the problem. Stress levels are higher than ever, self-esteem has never been lower, and sleep is a lost hope. 

To turn this frustrating and unfortunate reality into something that Westminster students are best at, competition, Upper Schoolers came up with “Who’s Awake?”

“Why not compete to see who can sleep the least?” said the creator of the competition, who is staying anonymous to avoid being contacted by the Discipline Council. “Everyone’s burnt out from school and stress, so why not make it a competition?”

“This competition at first spread by word of mouth, and soon everyone was asking to join,” said the assistant director of the competition. “We quickly created an elaborate system for contestants to report their hours of sleep and keep track.”

To get a better sense of the current standings of the competition, the Bi-Line interviewed several contestants who are currently vying for the lifetime supply of Flik cheeseburger soup.

First, the Bi-Line interviewed freshman Junie B. Jones. Jones is currently enrolled in Honors Geometry, Honors Physics, and Honors Spanish 3. She is a member of the varsity tennis team and enjoys baking in her free time (like that exists). 

“I just did not expect high school to be like this. I have been sleeping five hours every day this week, and it’s just really taking a toll on my overall mood,” said Jones. “Literally, who made honors physics this hard? I am dying! What even is the righthand rule? Vectors? What are those?”

Many Westminster students can relate to Jones’s physics struggles. Yours truly, for one, still does not understand why no work is being done when you lift up a box… We spoke with some sophomores as well, and it seems like things only go downhill from here.

“You know, I was so excited at the beginning of the year,” said sophomore Cindy Lou-Who. “I’m no longer a freshman, and I even signed up for AP Chemistry! How cool!” 

Lou-Who is one of the 40 or so students who decided to challenge themselves and register for AP Chemistry. What Lou-Who did not know at the time was that AP Chemistry is not just a course– it is a lifestyle. 

“I realized my life was really transforming when I started listening to chemistry videos as lullabies last semester,” said Lou-Who. “I don’t even know how many nights I fell asleep to ‘the Organic Chemistry tutor’ preaching about IMFs. I’ve been sleeping for an average of four hours each night this entire week. I want to hide in a hole.” 

While Jones and Lou-Who’s situations are unfortunate, to say the least, the juniors are the true warriors in this competition. As most know, junior year is infamously the hardest year of high school, but many did not fully understand until they experienced it firsthand. Monkey Mo, a current junior taking five AP classes and facing the anxiety of college, speaks her truth. 

“I have never been more stressed in my life,” said Mo. “Yesterday, I had to study for an AP Bio test and an AP Calc BC test, and on top of that, I had an AP Lit essay due. I slept for two hours. TWO hours. I honestly do not know how I am surviving right now. It’s strange though because I think I’m so tired, I’m not tired anymore!” 

The Bi-Line reporters were too concerned for Monkey Mo’s mental stability beyond this point, so we chose to let Monkey Mo take a nap on the Hawkins benches and ended the interview here. 

The “Who’s Awake?” board thought they had found the winner of the contest after seeing Mo’s two-hour sleep in the track records, but they soon discovered the existence of Clare Bear. 

“We truly thought Monkey Mo had secured her spot at the top with her two-hour nightly average, but we jumped to conclusions too fast,” said the anonymous creator. “Clare Bear is the true winner with an average of five minutes of sleep each night. We could not believe our eyes when we saw her data, and we even contacted a medical professional to confirm that Clare Bear is human.” 

The “Who’s Awake?” board contacted Atlanta-based somnologist Rob Robert. After performing a comprehensive test on Clare Bear, Robert confirmed that Clare Bear is indeed human.

“In my 65 years of practice, I have never seen anything like this,” said Robert. “However, all the test results indicated that Clare Bear is in fact a Homo sapiens. It is my expert opinion that Clare Bear’s brain has somehow evolved to function on five minutes of sleep each day. This is fascinating, and Clare Bear is certainly one in a million.”

After a month of competition and students comparing their sleep and stress levels in every corner of campus, the first annual “Who’s Awake?” competition has come to a close. Clare Bear will be awarded her official certificate and lifetime pass for Flik cheeseburger soup on May 1 to celebrate her victory. 

Note: This article, like all of our articles in the April Fool’s edition, is satire. Laugh.